THE BRITISH on the subject of toast


Why are Crumpets so hard to toast ?

And why did my parents think eating burnt toast would make my hair curl ? And then encourage me to eat it anyway !

Were we really so poor that dad would spend 10 min scraping charcoal off a slice of bread with the back of a knife ! (clearly he didn’t want curly hair).

Be cavalier with the family’s meagre savings father……chuck it and toast another slice !

The dad/burnt toast thing has opened a ‘cooked bread’ door in my mind as I suddenly remembered toasting bread on a fork in front of the fire. Now before you think either “chuffin hell ! How old is he ?” or “how quaint, sat watching the flickering flames” let me point out…..it was a shit wall mounted gas fire that the cat used to set fire to it’s tail ! ( Shrug, he thought it was funny, too many cartoons ?) Not only that but we had a grill ! But as the fire was on anyway, briefly, just to melt the ice on the radiators, it was far more economical to utilise the same heat source, of course Welsh Rarebit was out of the question.

Now I like white bread, arguably a little too much. I can get my head around wholemeal, healthy brown, indeed sprinkle some Trill bird food on top and call it granary, hell I’ll slap some flora on it and have a go ! But what the chuff is 50/50 ?!!! Mrs S brought some home, Matt called me..

“Err Dad, you might want to check this out, it says it’s half and half, but both sides are the same !”

We prodded a slice with a stick and concluded it was ‘shit’.

I mean what were they thinking ? It has none of the texture, taste and kudos of white and a fraction of the goodness of wholemeal. We tried adding post bake ‘bits’ from Becca’s nuts and seed collection but they just fell off.

My boy doesn’t quit and always thinking suggested we plaster some seeds onto a slice with margarine but I said “just leave it Matt, it’s a lost cause”.

If the manufacturers want to be innovative come up with a better way of sealing the bloody bags than tiny strips of plastic sticky that you need to be an Origami master to open.

Ok I’m done.

9 thoughts on “THE BRITISH on the subject of toast

    1. Thanks Lynn, it always puzzled me what was so good about having curly hair ! It’s hardly going to encourage a young lad to eat burnt toast ! I guess it was perceived as more attractive, the reason lost forever in the mists of time !

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Well Nigel where do we start. My dad still comes from up’t Norf to darn Sarf and he whacks the toaster on full setting, then spends most of breakfast scraping the toast into my wife’s pride and joy – state of the art sink. His life expectancy reduces every time he visits. Burnt toast is the work of masters of the dark art. Why can’t they sell it in shops ready burnt? Brilliant post and my blood pressure is now too high to comment on the other issues you have raised. (If I was from a younger generation I would place a lol and a smiley face here.)

    Liked by 1 person

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