The pieces below are I guess traditional/familiar themes for humour. The first, Brian, was inspired by Michael Palin’s ‘Ripping Yarns’, which I include for your delectation.
Brian is a vampire of some kind
well known as a boring little tit
he’ll render unto mush your mind,
if you leave it too late to flit
He’ll talk for hours in great detail
whether it’s wetter in May or June
and which tins of soup are on sale
or the bus came 9 seconds too soon.
It’s said that he struggles to shave
his reflection thinks he’s a bore
and so left to live in yonder cave
3 hours of taps was the final straw.
Even now some get caught unawares.
Like old Jones when buying a fridge
who bored by talk of carpets on stairs
threw himself off the nearest bridge.
His voice is monotone and bland,
the face an unmoving grey mask
for hours in one spot he can stand,
sustained by jam-butties and flask.
His parents deny that he’s theirs
and avoid him by hiding in trees
while his sister ran after the fairs
that day he told her about peas
For people to chat he’ll still search
but they hide under wheelie bin lids,
or skips where whole families perch
trying to save all their kids.
And so he roams town all alone,
or sometimes by the library he sits
a psychic vampire with mobile phone
the ultimate in boring little Tits.
He was only the milkman’s apprentice
but oh how he had made her heart sing,
and feel on the edge of love’s precipice
when two cartons of cream he did bring.
She knew he had seen her in a nightie,
so see-through, he’d stood there aghast
and coughed, his face burning brightly,
while offered a full English breakfast.
‘What’s up wi thee lad’ asked the milkman,
‘why tha shud go back and fill thi boots’
he explained the size of her frying pan,
and that it won’t be yoghurt and fruits.
With some trepidation our hero returned
and he cautiously knocked on her door,
she sat him down, her repast not spurned,
to more food than he’d ever seen before.
From black pudding to sausage to bacon
he’d eaten all when she demanded a kiss,
but his ardour she had failed to awaken
so he said ‘ta,love but I’ll give it a miss’.